i have

never been so lost. i'm a wreck.
maybe i will do what vasa said and throw myself into work.

i really don't want you to go.

this year

continuously gets worse.
i just want to move away so i never have to see your face again.

it feels like the pain will never stop.
i can't focus on anything. no wonder i'm doing bad in school.
i just want to sleep the break away.

TODAY!

i got my new puppy! she's completely black and 8 weeks old.
although she wants to eat everything... she's a good dog!
misty is not happy about this though... she is ignoring us thinking we betrayed her... we just want misty's traits to rub off on our next puppygirl so she is as good as misty!

visual journal. assignment eight.

freeeee topic!
wellwellwell, christmas is coming up and i'm thinking i'll take pictures of the family. and all the food we will be cooking!
so excited to eat my brains out.

also, misty will be in her little christmas costume, antlers, a bow on her tail and a little bow on her head.
and of course we'll trim her and give her a bath and paint her nails!
we'll have to get pictures of that!

i dont get this next assignment either. i TRIED to focus on it, but i'll just wait until vasa explains it to me. i can't seem to read things and understand them when they're about an assignment.
hmmmmm...



this weekend isn't gonna be good either... i just feel it...aadfkladflafafgxdjkvgsrgv
i'm in a strange mood today too. i just want to curl up in a ball with misty and watch netflix...

college is so scarey...
applications are paper monsters...
i think i'll just ask my english teachers for help on my essays... i feel like they're going to swallow me whole.
katya told me i would cry from stress. and she was completly right.
now that it's out of my system, time to get back to work....

visual journal. assignment seven.

what is good art?
there is no such thing as a piece of art that is "good" to everyone.
everyone has different perceptions on what they think is "good". to some it may be precise and "perfect", while to others "good" art is plainly what is appealing to the eyes.
good art is different to everyone.

to me, good art is what i find appealing. art doesnt have to be perfect, it doesn't have to look like something. if i think it is interesting or beautiful i will consider it art.

visual journal. assignment six.

should the government control art?
yes. not completely but to a point.
when the artist begins threatening someone's life, saying they will kill them or portraying the murder of someone, i believe it should be censored.
example: Eminem's song Kim.
this song was the sounds of eminem killing his (now) ex wife for cheating on him with a member of ICP. it was disgusting and vulgar.
art may be created to let out the artist's feelings and innerthoughts, but when it scares someone by threatening their lives.
BUT, if someone just wants to create something in a pure way, the government should not be involved.

thanks giving

well in new hampshire.
my family got together and spent time with the newest member of the family- Olive. the new bulldog puppy. shes so sweet. i'll post pics later.
ate too much stuffing and pumpkin pie, the only good parts of the holiday.

visual journal. assignment five.

a world without art.
all the buildings would look the same, all the houses would look the same, all clothes would look the same.
there wouldn't be different styles in furniture or home supplies. there wouldn't be paint for the walls in different colors.
photography, painting, drawing or sculpting.
there wouldn't even be different ways of writing.

everything would be completely plain.


although i can't say what color anything would be made in, simply because shade is a part of art as well as color is.

so today, millions of awesome things happened.
i missed school for an opera. i slept the 2nd act. (sooo boring!) and who doesn't love missing a day of school??
MY COMPUTER IS ALIVE AND RUNNING. although i still have to download all my music back into it... which will be a big pain.
i felt amazing on the way home from the opera... i was listening to islands, and when my favorite song was over, swans came on... and i swear i've never EVER felt that good in my WHOLE life. i almost loved new jersey... almost.
the nickname "baby martin" was reassigned to me! after my daddy's best friend died, everyone stopped calling me it (he created it) as soon as my dad called me it today, well, that was a real mind trip.

the only downfall was i ran out of nail polish remover and now my nails are gray and black on the sides. so i think i'll just go over it with a light pink.
HMMM.

oh also i've been passing all the missions in grand theft auto... i used to hate these types of games.. but hah it's just kind of funny throughout the whole thing. but cheat codes are definatly needed...

visual journal. assignment four.

what would a world be with no music.
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent." -Victor Hugo
a world with no music would be lifeless.
when i hear piano it soothes me. when i hear a man's voice, that doesn't entirely sound amazing... but i feel the emotion in the words he says.
music gives more than a sound, it gives emotion and feeling as you listen to it.
my answer is simple, but i believe this one is more appropriate: "without music, life would be an error." -Friedrich Nietzsche

playing music makes you feel amazing. you are creating something beautiful that has so much to say, but will remain silent. it heals the soul.

without my current favorite music, my life would be fairly empty.
i create life soundtracks, and mood soundtracks, along with my certain car ride soundtracks.
i like to hear certain music at certain times.

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

-Oscar Wilde

visual journal. assignment one.

Well, this is a "free response" entry! so, I'll just write about whatever might pop into my head.

my dream future:
-attending Kean University for 4 years to become an Occupational Assistant.
-moving to South Carolina and attending a different college to become an Occupational Therapist. (not sure what college yet.)
-marrying Keanu Reeves. (Ariel Christina Reeves.)
-adopting a chocolate Labrador.
-living in a white house with blude shudders and a white fence around it.
-having a peach tree in the back yard with a vegtable garden.

-cut my hair like Natalie Portman's (pic below)


AND IT MUST BE SAID:

My little girl is so pretty(:
Most likely I'm going to take tons of pictures of her for projects throughout the year.
She's just so cute, and probably the best thing in my life.


I still have to develope... around 3 or 4 rolls of film. hah... I'll get around to that soon...

Also!:

I love Natalie Portman. total idol.

I love her hair here. but I want too grow mine out. I'll do this eventually...

oh and!!!!

i can't seem to fall out of love with Ed Bloom.

"You were a big fish in a small pond, but this here is the ocean and your drownin'. Take my advice, go back to Puddleville; you'll be happy there. "

Big Fish (2003)

best movie of all time.

beatle babies

(Paul McCartney and son James McCartney)

(Zak Starkey son of Ringo Starr)

(Sean Lennon son of John Lennon and Dhani Harrison son of George Harrison)

how cool would it be if they did at least one tour of old Beatles songs.

i would fall in love.

Sean Lennon is amazing. (personal favorite. NOT because of his father.)

my real Beatle favortie has to be George. he was amazing...

someone said something to me the other day that has been bothering me all weekend.
"i'm waiting on the world to change."
that's all.
i started thinking really into this statement wondering if she actually meant it or not. the world won't just change. people won't just change. so what was she waiting for?
people to be nicer? the world to be cleaner? her life to get better? what?
if you want something to happen, you can't just WAIT around for it... you have to get out there and take it. start it. show people what it should be. not sit on your butt watching the news and watching what's happening, and what i assume you're waiting to see change.
what do i feel about that.


and what is going on with the weather changing on me so fast? it crawled up on me too fast. i wasn't ready for summer to really end. i'm not ready for the cold. i barely had a summer!
and i've been feeling so bland lately. it'd either i don't care and feel empty, or i'm nervous, and i'm not sure why i am so nervous. school work not getting done is scaring me. not being able to get into the college i want is scaring me. not paying off car insurance scares me. gas scares me the most to my suprise.
and work plainly stresses me out. i never want to go. i'm making almost no money anymore. and i feel like a total bum, but i'd rather sleep. i'd rather play video games and watch stupid movies with derek. i'd rather be able to ride my new bike (that i used only twice this summer!), i'd rather tell my puppy how pretty she is.
this stuff is driving me INSANE.
an i think i'll start TRYING to look nicer for school. maybe if i feel better about myself, i'll feel better about everything. but if i look like a slob, i feel like a slob. so that's no good.
i'll make a rule: only wear something semi-sloppy if i'm in a bad mood, or sickly. yes.

also i've been thinking if i should cut my hair? but its so easy to handle now that i'm afraid of a haircut, esp since i want to grow it out... maybe i'll just have my mom do it for me. def.

kicking back

i can't get into the swing of school... already the essays and homework and yadda yadda yadda...
i don't want to do it. i just sit at my desk staring at it.
and i have to write essays for my teachers to "get to know me"? i don't even entirelly know me. they want to know about my future. i don't know that yet. i only know what i WANT.

anyway, i havent read a book in forever, and it's killing me. i bought the octopus and i really just want to start. but my room is muuuuch too messy to focus on anything else and i think that is the problem. it has a bad energy. i have to paint and redecorate and move everything around.
i'm thinking a peach color. i love peach. and beige furniture. and accents of something. maybe gold.

last first day of high school.

SCHEDULEEEEE!
period 1.
human behavior with mr. francisco. it wasn't TOO bad. but i felt like i was going to fall asleep as he went on a rant about cell phones.
period 2.
prob&stat with mrs. brown. sweeeeeet. our biggest project is in second marking period. it deals with m&ms.
period 3.
gym with a bunch of amazing friends! katya, dana, tony, nicolle, tori, and millie. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. esp sex ed.! that won't be awkward at ALL.
period 4.
lunch with melanie and dana. it's not great. too many freshman. but at least i have melanie and dana...
period 5.
photo2 with mrs.vasa! lucky meee(: good class, good year.
period 6.
english4 with ms.garofalo. she's CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZY. but so much fun and seems so nice.
period 7.
holocaust and genocide with mr.donnelly. love it already. he is so funny.
period 8.
spanish4with mrs. cubllian... i hate it. it's terrible, i don't understand one word she is saying. she seems nice herself. but too much spanish for me to handle first day back.

i personally think it will be a FAB year. but changing my sleeping schedule is a total problem. and i have to buy a new alarm cause my 5 that go off aren't enough. my mom had to scream to wake me up.
and summer reading is due MONDAY. haven't really started entirely... but it'll get done asap. along with the studying of the WORLD COUNTRIES THAT I HAVE TO KNOW BY TUESDAY FOR A TEST. sheesh! i forgot what a pain school was.

---
i think i have every part of my life planned after high school. it's all i think about when i'm working at sonic. 'how will i end up? what do i want out of my life? where do i want to be?'
i want to live in south carolina, and have my own office for occupational therapy. live with two labs, one black named lily, and a chocolate named penelope.
and i think i will marry keanu reeves.
ariel christina reeves.

i really miss my grandparents a lot.
i didn't know my mom's dad, but i knew the man my granny re-married and he was basically a grandfather to me. i actually always thought he was my grandpa, but i called him pe-pop.
anyway, he would come over every morning with a present for me before school. even if it was just a candy or something he would bring it over. and he always tried to get his dog to sit on my lap, his name was pierre. i just remember one time i finally was holding her... then she puked all over my over-alls. real good memory. and he bought me my first real pet, a parakeet named K.C., simply cause i was 4 and didnt know how to spell Casey. i just remember him being sweet. people told me he had 'problems', i'm not sure if i believe them. maybe they just didnt give it a chance, or try to help enough.
and my dad's parents were amazing, too. i miss them a lot. my grandma had to be the prettiest women when she was younger. but she always cooked everything. breakfast, lunch and dinner. but visiting was always a drag cause for lunch she always made soup and i hated soup. now i love it... but there was never kid food there so i ate it anyway. she would always teach me something. like how to knit or just play games with me. her husband, my grandpa was always sweet. he gave me "bear hugs" these really big tight hugs. he would play games too. he taught me oragami and how to make newspaper hats. and my last memory of him kills me when i think about it. he was old and really sick, and i didn't realize it even though my dad was saying that was possibly the last time i would ever see him, for some reason i just didnt think that was really possible. anyway, he was standing outside and we were leaving to come back to new jersey. i looked back to wave, and he was crying. the strongest man i know, breaking down, crying. all because we left. and if i didnt have to leave, i wouldn't have. i would have stayed there with him. making him paper hats, and giving him bear hugs.
i miss them so much. i really wish i had gotten to see them more before they passed.